Tools!!

Well, some old habits die hard...
I still love to fix things. DIY!!

Skinny Corpse...

Would you believe I actually viewed myself as beautiful when this picture was taken? Oh, yes, I did... I thought I was skinny, and therefore good looking...
That is, until I saw this picture of me... This isn't what I saw when I looked in the mirror, but pictures does not lie... I was sick, that much is clear.

And I still am, because even though I realise how wrong this is, a part of me still wants to be that girl... I've gained so much weight since then, I sometimes don't even recognise myself any more... I need to fix it, one way or the other. Preferably the right way this time, the slow way...

I want to feel beautiful again...

i remember everything...

what it feels like coming down... the fatigue, so tired... I hated it!
every cell in my body needing rest & sleep, but my mind only wants to get back up on top again, back to "normal". what I consider to be normal. where I can do anything... where I'm free.
I remember what it felt like when I struggled to find the vein, when it eluded my attempts to pierce it whit my dull needle, used more times than I can count... used, and sharpened on glass shards, and used again...
I remember the burning and scorching, all the way from the crook of my arm right up to the top of my head, and then the aching afterwords...

in short, I remember all the pain.

but for some reason it doesn't matter, I still want it! because the devil on my shoulder convinces me, it's worth it... that's how sick I am. more than 1 year has passed, and still, my body and being is screaming at me... telling me, this is what I am, this is what I am meant to be!

will I ever be what you want me to be?

why?

that's a most interesting question... well, i don't know, but i intend to find out.

/n