Strange...

Everything is different, even if it's all the same...
I've moved now, back to my old town, the one I used to live in the last years of my active life (active as an addict, that is.... I even live in the same area as I did the few months before I was admitted to the forced rehab... Just a couple of blocks way.
And everything is the same but somehow it feels strangely different, because I'm different.
My head's clear and I see things I didn't see before, at least I never saw them as other people do... Thing is, I still miss seeing things my way... I miss a lot of things about that life I used to live, and some of those things is just sick! But I can't help it... They say I'm mourning.
Also, I'm scared... Every time I go out, I'm scared... Of what, I don't know, but my comfort and security is gone... I never feel safe any longer, which is very new to me still...

What's so strange about all this then?
That I don't want to go back. For some reason I am willing to try a little while longer...
Even if I have everything I could want almost next door... I don't feel like it.

Now that's strange!!

i remember everything...

what it feels like coming down... the fatigue, so tired... I hated it!
every cell in my body needing rest & sleep, but my mind only wants to get back up on top again, back to "normal". what I consider to be normal. where I can do anything... where I'm free.
I remember what it felt like when I struggled to find the vein, when it eluded my attempts to pierce it whit my dull needle, used more times than I can count... used, and sharpened on glass shards, and used again...
I remember the burning and scorching, all the way from the crook of my arm right up to the top of my head, and then the aching afterwords...

in short, I remember all the pain.

but for some reason it doesn't matter, I still want it! because the devil on my shoulder convinces me, it's worth it... that's how sick I am. more than 1 year has passed, and still, my body and being is screaming at me... telling me, this is what I am, this is what I am meant to be!

will I ever be what you want me to be?